Love is the Law!

I am posting a few personal high points of last year in no particular order. Nancy

All Married

Reps. Carolyn Laine and Susan Allen

One of the biggest events of 2013 was the legalization of same-sex marriage. In Minnesota, it happened via legislators like our friend Carolyn Laine; Susan Allen, the first openly lesbian Native American legislator in the country; and Karen Clark, the first open lesbian in the Minnesota legislature. 

NanBec at MN state capitol on Love is the Law day 

Becky and I attended the jubilant ceremony at the state capitol in May when Governor Dayton signed the bill into law. Our marriage, performed in San Francisco in 2008, became valid in Minnesota on August 1, 2013. 

With the Defense of Marriage Act being struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court this summer, our marriage was suddenly also recognized by the United States government. Although these rulings give us access to hundreds of rights previously off limits, the most immediate benefit for me has been psychological and social. Being able to say "my wife" simplifies interactions in the world immensely. Whereas mentioning "my partner" usually elicited an awkward, confused, and/or disapproving silence, mentioning "my wife" often results in a smile, a heartfelt "Congratulations!" and/or a story about a gay friend or relative who just got married. People understand marriage. Suddenly I'm okay, not weird or threatening, part of the human community.

Amy Posmantur and Terry Cramer' s wedding

After Washington instituted marriage equality, we attended 2 weddings in Seattle. For our friends Amy Posmantur, a federal employee, and her partner of 31 years, Terry Cramer, marriage has significant immediate and long-term  benefits. Their July wedding with their closest friends and family members was a celebration of community and love.

Ruth Baetz, officiant Kate Thayer, and Sandra Jo Palm

We returned to Seattle in October for the wedding of Ruth Baetz and Sandra Jo Palm. They had asked us to be their witnesses at a no-fuss city hall ceremony. But the night before at a charades party in their home, they surprised us all. Wearing T-shirts from the Puget Sound Women's Peace Camp, where they fell in love almost 30 years ago, they asked their friend to marry them right there. Kate, ordained online through the Universal Life Church a few days earlier, pronounced Ruth and Sandra Jo, spouses for life. 

Reverends Nancy and Becky

Last month our neighbors asked if we knew anyone who could marry them. We offered ourselves and got ordained online in about 15 minutes. Our neighbors decided to hold off until next year, but now we can serve anyone, gay or straight, who has been waiting for marriage equality to get hitched.

And you may now call us . . . Reverend NanBec. :-)

Still Married!

Nancy and I were disappointed at yesterday's ruling by California's Supreme Court upholding Proposition 8 and denying marriage to same-sex couples. We are grateful, however, that the 18,000 marriages--including ours--that took place last year before the proposition passed in November are valid. That means we're still legally married in the states that recognize gay & lesbian marriages.

The Huffington Post carried an interesting story regarding the decision (click here to see). It said that conservative lawyer Ted Olson (yes, he of Gore v. Bush) will represent a suit in the federal courts that asks that the ruling and Prop 8 be set aside under equal protection. He asks what would happen if a state passed a proposition outlawing inter-racial marriages.

We view yesterday's court decision as a temporary setback. When even ultra conservatives like Ted Olson are stepping up to the plate in support of marriage equality, the world really is changing.

Becky

I Get Marriage

Marriage has always been a bit of a mystery to me. Two people have a ceremony, file some legal papers, celebrate wildly, and move in together. Sometimes they already share a residence. Admittedly, there are benefits that follow—joint tax filing, spousal coverage of health benefits, inheritance, hospital visitation rights, and so forth. In fact, there are some 800 rights ranging from puny to huge that marriage bestows. But none of this seemed relevant to me. I never missed those benefits, don’t enjoy ceremonies or parties, and already live with the love of my life.

But now thanks to last month’s decision by the California Supreme Court, Nancy and I have decided to get married, and suddenly my former indifference has vanished.

Marriage is more than the sum of rights. It is a powerful social and legal recognition and celebration of a relationship. It is an affirmation of my basic worth as a human being. Having California rule that I have the same right to marry the person I love as my sister had to marry the person she loves brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

I imagine an American woman before 1920 thinking how nice it would be to vote. She could talk herself out of its importance, though, supposing that her vote wouldn’t change anything, and besides, she had enough to do without making time to go vote in every election. But once she could legally enter the polling place, she’d realize that voting is so much more than casting a ballot. It means participation in the democratic process and being part of the greater community. It confers the responsibilities of citizenship and, tacitly, those of adulthood. Marriage is similar.

After our decision, I began to think about how our no-frills ceremony would unfold. I will be 56 years old and Nancy 62 when we exchange vows on September 3. We don’t need anyone “giving” us away, a concept that has always grated on me—that passing a woman from her father to her husband as though “the weaker sex” couldn’t stand on their own. But when I imagined my sister giving me away and Nancy’s sister giving her away (not the way it’s going to be, by the way), suddenly the tears came. It meant leaving our families to start a new family.

Well, duh. But what is obvious for young heterosexual couples who will be starting a family is not so clear for same-sex couples, especially those without children. How many times over the past decades have I been asked about my family and I’ll talk about my parents and my sister. That Nancy is my family has not sunk into my bones. Now with marriage vows and the legal sanction of our love, I feel in a way that has never been real that SHE is my family.

I’ve also had to get over downplaying the importance of celebrating our wedding. Although our elation at the legal support of our relationship has been amplified by the many calls and emails congratulating us, when my sister offered to host a reception, we said we didn’t want any sort of party. “It’s a big deal,” she protested shocked we would even consider such a thing. “People want to celebrate with you!”

The whole concept of marriage has been so alien to me, a person who could not participate in it, that I have never really understood it. Now I am beginning to comprehend that on so many levels, it is a big deal. So not only do I get to have a marriage, I am finally starting to GET marriage.

Becky Bohan